My Jokes

48 reasons you have a drinking problem

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects
2. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth
3. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream
4. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
5. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
6. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
7. Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
8. "Norm!" is what they say when you enter a party.
9. When you can focus better with one eye closed
10. the parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar
11. Every woman you see has an exact twin
12. If you keep asking your wife "where are the kids?" but you don't really have a wife. She's really your couch. Plus you have nothing but beer
13. You fall off the floor...
14. Discover liquid cleaning supplies have mysteriously disappeared
15. Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops
16. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
17. Beer: it's not just for breakfast anymore. - There's a sandwich in every beer
18. The glass keeps missing your mouth!
19. When you go to donate blood and they ask what proof??
20. Vampires catch a buzz after attacking you [also mosquitoes!]
21. only drinking problem's not having a drink right now
22. At AA meeting you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
23. Your idea of cutting back is less seltzer
24. When vomiting becomes a relief!!
25. Having a hard time staying on the side walk - left, right stumble fall
26. You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmm.
27. The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
28. Every night you're beginning to find your roomate's cat more and more attractive.
29. Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol.
30. waking up with a traffic cone between your legs -
31. I'm not drunk... you're just sober... - HI OCIFER!!!!!!!!!
32. Problem? I Drink, I get Drunk, I Fall down....where's the problem??
33. If you're on a diet, you cut back your food calories to allow for alcohol calories - realist
34. The bourbon bottle's empty...that's the problem! - Hey...let's go get some more!
35. When the bar owner actually carved your name onto your own barstool
36. Roseanne looks good.
37. Don't recognise wife unless seen through bottom of glass
38. You LIKE the Barney socks you have on.
39. That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
40. I'm as jober as a sudge!
41. Mosquitoes spiral down to the ground in circles after biting you.
42. You find yourself in a room on a train arriving in Tiajuana and the last thing you remember is being in a bar in NYC!
43. You've fallen and you can't/(don't want to) get up.
44. When hangovers become an attractive alternative lifestyle.
45. You listen to the radio and start dancing to hootie and the blowfish.
46. Your favorite drink is ethanol.
47. You can't remember what your family looks like... or if you have a family.
48. You spend a whole night holding up walls to prevent your collapse.

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman get twisted at the local pub one night and conspire to rob the local bank. Drunk as they are, they try and rob the place but are too drunk to pull it off. As the alarms scream, they leg it out of the bank and down the alley. Hot on their heals are the cops, responding to the alarm. As the three drunks round a bend, they spot a Cats and Dogs Home and jump over the fence into the kennel yard. They see three burlap sacks lying on the ground and they each crawl into an empty bag. The cops leap over the fence behind them and spot the three bulging sacks on the ground. One cop kicks the first sack and the Englishman says, "Bark! Bark!" "Ah, must be a dog!" says the cop and he kicks the second sack. The Scotsman says, "Meow!" and the cop nods his head, exclaiming, "Must be cats!" and turns his focus on the last sack, kicking it sharply. The Irishman cries out, "Potatoes!"

A man walks into a pub.
He greets the barman and orders a pint.
As the barman draws it, the man begins to hear two
noisy young men at the end of the bar.
"What county did you say you where from?" asked the first.
"Why, County Clare." the second replied.
"Well, I'll be damned! I'm from County Clare, too! What town?"
"Why, I'm from Ennis."
"I'll be damned! I'm from Ennis, too! What parish are you from?'
"Saint Francis."
"Well, I'll be damned! I belonged to Saint Francis', too.
What street did you live on?"
"Why, Parnell Street."
"I'll be dammed. I lived on Parnell Street.
What was your mother's maiden name?"
"Leahy."
"I'll be damned . . ."
After listening to all this, the man calls
the barman over and says, "Sean, what's with them two?"
"Not much," he replied. "Just the Mulcahy twins drunk again!"

Sean had been drinking at his local pub all day and most of the night. Mick, the bartender says "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Sean". Sean replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then." Sean spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Shit" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and get some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up the door jamb. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air. He feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk. He falls flat on his face. "I'm fookin locked" he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door and shimmies up the door jamb, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fookin way." He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fook it" and crawls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Mary, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says "Get up Sean. Did you have a bit to drink last night?" Sean says "I did Mary. I was fookin locked. But how'd you know?" She answered "Mick called. You left your wheelchair at the pub."

Q. How do you get two bagpipes to play a perfect unison?
A. Shoot one

Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
A. No one cries when you chop up an bagpipe.

Q. How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch?
A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.

Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.

Q. What's the definition of a gentleman?
A. Someone who knows how to play the bagpipe and doesn't.